The past few months have been such an emotional roller coaster. I feel like a basket case. Normally, my emotions run pretty constant. I'm not used to such strong emotions. For some reason, lately, I have become so passionate when it comes to being sad, or happy, or mad. I feel as if I have lost my mind.
I refrain from writing too often, because I don't have much positive to say, really. I wanted to believe that I could stay completely positive throughout all of my treatments so I could look back later and see how strong I was. Well, truthfully, most days are bad days. Everyone said when I started chemo that I would have good days and bad days. I didn't realize just how many bad days there would be, and how bad those bad days could get. I don't want to sound negative or depressing; I'm just being completely honest. I don't want to write about the bad days or the side effects because I don't want anyone to think that I am weak. This is pride. I don't want to be proud; I just want to share what I am going through.
I know people really mean well and are really trying to encourage me, and maybe I just take things to heart when I shouldn't, but sometimes it is hard to not say what is really on my mind when certain things are said to me. Simple things like, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better", or "You're taking these treatments so well". I just want to say that even though I am out and about; I am not really feeling better. I feel terrible! I also keep hearing, "At least they caught your cancer early." Well, it wasn't caught early. I know I am overreacting, and I shouldn't even say out loud that those things bother me, but that's just how it is. I know I will be embarrassed later when I read back over this and realize what I said.
I just finished with my 3rd of 4 treatments of the really bad chemo. Then, I will have 12 treatments of another type of chemo. The next type isn't supposed to be near as severe as these two have been. I think I can actually feel my brain cells dying with this chemo. This stuff is terrible! I love that it seems to be working, and I can feel a difference in the tumors, however, this experience has been so trying. The side effects come and go like clockwork. I know what to expect each few days. The side effects happen around the same days, they just happen to get progressively worse with each treatment. The side effects from this 3rd treatment have really taken a toll on me. It is hard not to face each day with dread, knowing what is coming. I am really hoping and praying that the side effects are easier to handle with this next round of chemo. I completely understand now why some people choose not to do chemotherapy. Especially those who have been through it before.
One of the hardest things about all of this is I feel like I am missing weeks at a time with my baby girl. Yesterday, I was playing with her hair, and I found myself wondering, "When did your hair start getting so long?" She has started saying so many words and playing like a big girl, and I just sit and wonder when it all happened. It is breaking my heart to have to lay in bed for days, or lay on the couch and just watch. For about a week after treatments, I seem to just exist. I don't really feel like I am a part of this world during that time. So, when I finally feel "awake" again, I just want to spend my time with her and my husband. I just get so tired so quickly. I want to enjoy my baby girl, and watch her grow and discover new things. Cancer is robbing me of some of those opportunities and experiences. I don't remember her first birthday party because I had my first treatment two days before her party. I do remember feeling like a zombie at her party. The party was for her, not for me, but I just wish that I could have enjoyed it more. I am so thankful that she is young and won't remember mommy being so sick. The thing that breaks my heart the most, and is always on my mind, is that I don't know how much time I have left with her. I know that no one knows how much time they have on the earth, but I know that my time is probably short. My heart absolutely aches to think that I may not get to watch my precious girl grow up. That is my very real reality. Pray with me that the Lord would bless me with the opportunity to raise my daughter and watch her grow up.
The Lord told us that we would go through troubles in the world. He said we wouldn't have to face them alone. That is so true! He has never left my side. I honestly don't know how I would be able to make it through any of this without Him. I keep praying that He would somehow use what I am going through for Him. My hope is to encourage or inspire others (although today I haven't been very encouraging or inspiring). I just want to be used for His glory. I am praying that the Lord would heal me completely, and that he would show me that He still works miracles! My God is bigger than cancer, and bigger than any fear I have. Sorry this hasn't been very exciting or inspiring, I just wanted to share some thoughts from the past few weeks.
Good for you Jen....yell scream cry do what ever it takes.....honey I feel like that most days....I have to take medication for....LoL....do not apologize or be embarrassed for the way you feel.....This disease is crap....and no one knows till they have been there..... We all know what an amazing person you are......when you are weak he is strong.....just like the childhood song goes.... so DON'T ever apologize...... your awesome and we love you...
ReplyDeleteYes you are being encouraging & inspiring because you are being honest and not putting on a smile and saying "Oh, I'm fine" and that is super OK. HE is there with you and will use this to glorify HIM. I pray for you as you have this last "bad" treatment and pray that the next round will not be so terrible. Just keep holding on - you have so many people that love you and are praying for you
ReplyDeleteDear Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteWe were at a dental convention in Atlanta this past week. On Friday, I couldn't find my lipstick and I was crabby about it. I searched the car seats, bags, floors to no avail but it was nowhere to be found. With a frown on my face, I whipped out my cellphone on the way to the meeting and read this post. As the tears streamed down my face, I really didn't care if my makeup ran or about the errant tube of lipstick.
I want to thank you, Jennifer. Your post touched me deeply and personally in a number of ways. First, thank you for your transparency and honesty. How often do we, as Christians, think our faith demands that we put on the Christian 'Happy Face' no matter what? How often have I passed someone in the halls at church who asks me how I am when I am hurting inside and I simply smile and say, "Great!"; and how often do others respond in-kind to me? What your post did was remind me that we need to be sensitive to the needs and concerns of others. In our church we have those, like you, who are struggling with serious health issues, crumbling marriages, troubled kids and the list goes on and on. In fact, I used your post as an example of reminding my Sunday School class this morning of the different spiritual gifts that enable folks to sense the pain of others and how important it is to follow our Biblical mandate to come alongside each other and share each other's burdens.
Secondly, I hope you will NEVER look back at this post with regret. Never ever. You have no reason. You stared cancer in the face and shook your fist at it. My goodness, dear, who wouldn't???? You hurt, inside and out. You are sick. You, my dear, are a 'suffering servant' and probably closer to sharing the fellowship of Christ's sufferings than the rest of us. I praise God for how He is using you to reach people like me who get hung up on the vanity of a silly tube of lipstick and allow that to have such and impact on our attitude and point of view!
I, too, who don't have cancer, have pondered my life and have wondered from time-to-time how much of it I have left. When you turn 60 as I did last year, it hits you how much more time is behind you than is before you. Those wonderings are a human response and ever-so-much-more human when you are faced with such a horrible disease. Be encouraged to know that God understands every doubt; every fear; every emotion you feel. He has felt them all and holds you and every tear you shed (and I'm sure you've shed a lot of them) in the palm of His hand. You are precious to Him, cancer or not. He loves you with an everlasting love and He and only He knows the course of your future. You expressed your doubts and fears so eloquently in your post. Know that God sees and hears. He is your Jehovah Nissi - His banner is over you.
I didn't look at my life the same way after reading this post on Friday. Your words; your life; the real experiences you are going through made a significant impact on me. They made me appreciate the value of the life I have.
After we parked the car in the Convention Center parking lot, I grabbed for my bag in the back seat, and there was my tube of lipstick. I paused for a moment. Then, I put it in my bag. Every time I have picked it up since then, it has reminded me of you. I think I am going to put your name on a little label around it because it's the one I use the most and every time I pick it up, it will remind me to pause and pray for you.
May the Lord richly bless you, Jennifer, as you have blessed me.
Love in Christ,
Jan Rogers