Worn, but Blessed

This week has been hard.  The song, Worn by Tenth Avenue North really describes how I have felt for the past little bit.  Here are the lyrics.

I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

I can't believe how mean this chemo is.  The side effects are so many, and so aggravating.  Ok, enough complaining :) I am still trying to teach.  I have this chemo every other Thursday, so I have been going back to work the following Tuesday.  This past week was very hard. So many people have said to me this week, "Wow, you are really handling this chemo well if you're able to come to work."  I know they mean well when they say things like this to me, but I don't feel like I am handling it well.  I make myself get out of bed everyday and go to work.  I have Alyssa to care for still.  My most important job is still being mommy to my baby girl. She doesn't understand that mommy is sick.  I have to go on with life as if there is nothing wrong with me as much as I possibly can.  I feel like if I choose to stay home that I would be giving up.  I know I wouldn't be, but that's how I would feel.  I don't know how much longer I will really be able to continue working, but for now, it's what I will do.  My kids at school have their state assessment coming up, and my job is to prepare them for that test.  Yes, I know that test scores are not everything, but unfortunately, the world we live in only looks at scores.  I feel like I have to be there for them and make sure they are as prepared as I can help them to be.  

I am truly amazed at how generous and caring people are!  I really had a terrible week, but every single day I received a gift from someone.  I have received so many sweet cards in the mail.  It really does brighten my day every time I get a card, note, or gift from someone.  I just don't have words to describe how grateful I am for everything I have been given.  I am so thankful for all the kind words from people.  I don't know how I would make it through this without so many friends and family members.  

Several people are very curious about my diet.  So, I'll explain briefly.  I hope to talk more about it at a later time. I have said before that I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed.  So, about a month before I was officially diagnosed, I started thinking, "Could food cure cancer?"  So to Google I went.  I found so much information about whole-foods, plant-based, vegan diets preventing, and actually reversing some cancers.  I was intrigued to say the least.  So I read, and read, and read.  One book I want to mention is The China Study. It talks about a doctor who conducted an enormous cancer in China.  In his research on lab rats, he found that animal protein caused cancer growth!   I stopped eating meat and dairy.  Then, I was diagnosed and my doctor arranged for us to attend a CHIP class.  We went to these classes and learned about how a whole-foods, plant-based diet can prevent and cure MANY of the diseases that are so common in our culture.  I really recommend reading The China Study.  If you can't read the book, then I urge you to please watch the movie, Forks Over Knives.  It could change your life!  I'm not asking that you commit to a vegan diet, but watch the movie with an open mind and think about the food choices you make.  It could really be the difference in life or death.  Seriously.  I'm appalled at what is in our processed food.  And eating animals or animal products (dairy) can cause cancer to grow!  We have control over disease.  Watch the movie. So, now to answer what everyone wants to know - what do I eat?  I eat vegetables, fruits, beans, legumes, and whole grains.  No meat, No dairy, No processed foods.  No, I don't eat tofu. I think it's gross :) and I try to stay away from soy products and oils.  Some research has shown that soy products and oils can promote cancer growth.  We use rice milk and sometimes almond milk.  

I want to say one last thing today.  Several people have also commented about how mad I should be at my doctor for not catching the cancer early.  I can honestly say that I have never felt angry toward my doctor.  Honestly.  Here's why.  If the cancer had been caught early, I would not have Alyssa.  I can't have anymore kids. Since this cancer is fed by estrogen and estrogen levels are so high during pregnancy, another one would cause the cancer to return.  So, if the cancer had been caught early, when I first had the lump checked out, I would have went through chemo, had a double mastectomy, radiation, then a hysterectomy.  This is the plan for me now.  I wouldn't have been able to have any kids.  Even though my cancer is very advanced now, I would never trade my daughter for catching the cancer early.  Never.  She is the greatest blessing I have received after my salvation and my husband.  So, no, I'm not mad at my doctor and never will be.  I was so young at the time.  Logically, I wouldn't have had cancer at that age.  

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"  ALL things - even fight cancer and win.  I plan to win with His help.