As we were leaving Nashville yesterday, I was watching the planes take off, and I said to Richard, "I wish I was on a plane to someplace tropical where I could sit on the white sand and look out at the beautiful water and not have cancer on my mind". I told him I didn't think there would be any place I could ever go and not have cancer on my mind. It's always there. There's a commercial on t.v., I think for an antidepressant, and it shows this monster-type thing always on the woman (representing the depression following her wherever she goes). I feel that way with cancer; it's always following me around, always on my mind. I was thinking about this and I started to get sad because this is all so consuming, and I thought, "I wish cancer didn't exist," and "What would life be like if there were no cancer?" Then, I remembered the promise of heaven for those who believe, a world with no sickness, sorrow, or pain. Thoughts of heaven make my soul leap with joy. A perfect world that I don't deserve, but the place where I will spend eternity because Jesus died on the cross and rose again to save me of my sins if only I believe and trust Him as my Savior. Praise God! I'm not in a hurry to get there just yet, I have to complete my purpose first. It is nice to remember that one day I won't fear cancer ever again.
It's been a long time since I've written anything. I just didn't know what to say. The past few months have been so busy. Fighting cancer and raising an 18 month old doesn't leave much room for down time. I finished chemo in June. Then had a month to recover before surgery. During this month, once I was able to feel like getting out, we focused all of our attention on Alyssa. We took her to the zoo, played outside, took her to play with friends, went to the beach, etc. She had so much fun at the beach! She brings so much joy to my life. I am so very thankful for her, as she is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. She is such a blessing. Next, I had surgery at the beginning of August. I had a bilateral mastectomy, 29 lymph nodes removed from under my right arm, my ovaries and tubes removed, and my port taken out. All in one day! Since I carry the BRCA1 gene (breast cancer gene), I was able to have both breasts removed. No, I wasn't a candidate for immediate reconstruction. We have to wait at least a year after I complete radiation, which will be quite some time away. We chose to remove my ovaries and tubes because carrying the BRCA1 mutation makes ovarian cancer very likely in my future, and since my type of breast cancer is fed by estrogen, it's best to get rid of the ovaries that produce estrogen in the body. This doesn't eliminate all estrogen in my body, though. So, I will have to take a mix of hormone blocking pills for the next 10 years. I just turned 30, and I am now menopausal. Normally, there is hormone replacement therapy a person could do to relieve the menopause symptoms once they reach menopause, but not me. I can't risk putting hormones into my body since my cancer cells would be fed by those hormones. When we were discussing my options and risks, all of my doctors kept asking us if we were sure we were finished having children. With much sorrow and grief in my heart, I said yes every time, because I had to. When a woman is pregnant, her body is flooded with hormones, which is what fed my cancer in the first place and caused it to escalate so quickly to stage 3. I had dreamed of having more children, siblings for sweet Alyssa. Her playmates, her best friends for life. The perfect family. Those dreams have been shattered by cancer. I know I am so very blessed to have one child; I know that very well. I know there are so many families that would love more than anything to have just one child. My heart breaks for them too. My heart aches for the little boy that I will never have. I had his name already picked out. We had planned to begin trying for the second child a few months ago. I planned this out while I was pregnant with Alyssa. I wanted her to have a sibling very close to her age. I remember when I was pregnant and even after Alyssa was born thinking of things I would change next time. Little did I know that next time would never come. I know that adoption is an option, and I am very open to it, and have always in my heart wanted to adopt. This is something that we will have to spend much time in prayer about, it may just be that we were meant only to have one child. Those that know me well know that I don't like to let others in; I like to keep things private. So, telling my story and letting all of you in is very hard for me. So, please forgive me if this next statement is silly, but I feel like someone may need to hear that I've been told this lie by our enemy. Sometimes he creeps in and tells me that the Lord didn't allow me to have anymore kids because I'm not a good enough mother. That is nothing but a lie used by the enemy to steal my joy. Don't let him steal your joy. The Lord has different plans and paths for all of us.
Right now, I am healing from surgery. I got the results from the surgery several weeks ago. There was still residual tumor left in my breast when it was removed. Of the 29 lymph nodes that were removed (which is a huge number of nodes to remove), 19 of them tested positive for cancer. 15 of them had cancer cells left in them, and the other four had actual tumor left in them. The surgeon said they believe all of my lymph nodes had cancer in them in the beginning. I didn't realize that removing all those lymph nodes would be so serious. Now, I am at high risk for lymphedema. So, I can't have blood drawn for that arm, no blood pressure taken on that arm, can't overuse that arm, have to protect that arm from cuts, scrapes, and burns, have to be careful lifting with that arm, etc. Who knew?! Anyway, there was no disease found in the left breast, and no cancer found on my tubes or ovaries. We had prayed for all cancer to be gone, but it was still there.
In talking with several doctors in charge of my care over the past seven months, the typical treatment plan for a woman with breast cancer is the ACT treatment ( Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxol.), surgery, and possibly radiation. My treatment plan was supposed to be 8 weeks of A/C - "red devil"(4 treatments every 2 weeks - which is not spaced as much as others. Normal dose is 4 treatments every 3 weeks), 12 weeks of Taxol every week, surgery, then 6 weeks of daily radiation. I had already met with my oncologist that will do my radiation, and had set up an appointment for Monday to have a scan done to see where the cancer cells were to target with radiation. Well, those plans changed yesterday. We went to Vanderbilt to meet with the oncologist who is overseeing my care. He and his team suggested that since there was still cancer left in my body at the time of surgery, and since I carry the BRCA1 gene, they feel it is best to try another type of chemo. This kind is called cisplatin, I think. Its side effects are supposed to be worse than Taxol, but not as severe as the A/C. I still have numbness and tingling in the ends of my fingers and toes, and this chemo could make that worse. This side effect could possibly be permanent since it is still around. It will make me sick, and I will be zapped of my energy again. My hair will fall out again. Luckily, I haven't grown attached to the sprigs that have been growing. I'm used to being bald at this point! I will take 4 treatments of this chemo every 3 weeks. So, here goes 3 more months of chemo. After I finish this chemo, I will do the 6 weeks of daily radiation and begin taking the hormone blocking drugs for ten years. About a year or so after I complete radiation, if the cancer is not growing back, we will look at the possibility of breast reconstruction.
This journey is not easy. Sometimes I can't believe I am going through this. But, I am not going through it alone. The Lord is always near. One of my favorite songs right now is by 7eventh Time Down. It's called Just Say Jesus. Things get so overwhelming at times and I have prayed so many things so many times. Sometimes I don't know what to pray anymore, so I just say Jesus. A dear friend of mine called me back when I was waiting on the results to see if I had cancer. She told me, when you don't know what to pray, just pray Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. That has really stuck with me, and I have passed that advice on to dear others who are struggling or fighting. I heard this song a few weeks ago, and I love it because it speaks so much to me and what I have felt during this journey. Another dear friend shared the song, Though You Slay Me by Shane and Shane. I can't listen to that song without crying.
I am so thankful to all of my friends who have made meals for us (whole-food, plant-based, vegan meals even to cater to our lifestyle!), sent cards and gifts, made phone calls, sent encouraging messages through facebook, visited, etc. I am so thankful for all of you, so much more than you could ever know! Please accept my apology if I have not sent a thank-you note, I write a few when I have a few moments, but please know that we deeply appreciate everything you all have done. I have been so blessed by all of your support. Our family and friends have made this journey a bit more bearable because of their sacrifices and kindness. Thank you all also for your comments about how I look great! I don't see it when I look in the mirror. All I see are the negatives sometimes, and it's really nice to your kind words. I have the most amazing support from all of you! I truly love you all, and I thank you for standing beside us as we continue down this road that has been placed before us. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue this journey. I am a fighter, a survivor, and I am determined to win this battle! I'll leave you with this quote that I heard yesterday: "Courage is Fear that has said its Prayers"
No comments:
Post a Comment