The past few months have been such an emotional roller coaster. I feel like a basket case. Normally, my emotions run pretty constant. I'm not used to such strong emotions. For some reason, lately, I have become so passionate when it comes to being sad, or happy, or mad. I feel as if I have lost my mind.
I refrain from writing too often, because I don't have much positive to say, really. I wanted to believe that I could stay completely positive throughout all of my treatments so I could look back later and see how strong I was. Well, truthfully, most days are bad days. Everyone said when I started chemo that I would have good days and bad days. I didn't realize just how many bad days there would be, and how bad those bad days could get. I don't want to sound negative or depressing; I'm just being completely honest. I don't want to write about the bad days or the side effects because I don't want anyone to think that I am weak. This is pride. I don't want to be proud; I just want to share what I am going through.
I know people really mean well and are really trying to encourage me, and maybe I just take things to heart when I shouldn't, but sometimes it is hard to not say what is really on my mind when certain things are said to me. Simple things like, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better", or "You're taking these treatments so well". I just want to say that even though I am out and about; I am not really feeling better. I feel terrible! I also keep hearing, "At least they caught your cancer early." Well, it wasn't caught early. I know I am overreacting, and I shouldn't even say out loud that those things bother me, but that's just how it is. I know I will be embarrassed later when I read back over this and realize what I said.
I just finished with my 3rd of 4 treatments of the really bad chemo. Then, I will have 12 treatments of another type of chemo. The next type isn't supposed to be near as severe as these two have been. I think I can actually feel my brain cells dying with this chemo. This stuff is terrible! I love that it seems to be working, and I can feel a difference in the tumors, however, this experience has been so trying. The side effects come and go like clockwork. I know what to expect each few days. The side effects happen around the same days, they just happen to get progressively worse with each treatment. The side effects from this 3rd treatment have really taken a toll on me. It is hard not to face each day with dread, knowing what is coming. I am really hoping and praying that the side effects are easier to handle with this next round of chemo. I completely understand now why some people choose not to do chemotherapy. Especially those who have been through it before.
One of the hardest things about all of this is I feel like I am missing weeks at a time with my baby girl. Yesterday, I was playing with her hair, and I found myself wondering, "When did your hair start getting so long?" She has started saying so many words and playing like a big girl, and I just sit and wonder when it all happened. It is breaking my heart to have to lay in bed for days, or lay on the couch and just watch. For about a week after treatments, I seem to just exist. I don't really feel like I am a part of this world during that time. So, when I finally feel "awake" again, I just want to spend my time with her and my husband. I just get so tired so quickly. I want to enjoy my baby girl, and watch her grow and discover new things. Cancer is robbing me of some of those opportunities and experiences. I don't remember her first birthday party because I had my first treatment two days before her party. I do remember feeling like a zombie at her party. The party was for her, not for me, but I just wish that I could have enjoyed it more. I am so thankful that she is young and won't remember mommy being so sick. The thing that breaks my heart the most, and is always on my mind, is that I don't know how much time I have left with her. I know that no one knows how much time they have on the earth, but I know that my time is probably short. My heart absolutely aches to think that I may not get to watch my precious girl grow up. That is my very real reality. Pray with me that the Lord would bless me with the opportunity to raise my daughter and watch her grow up.
The Lord told us that we would go through troubles in the world. He said we wouldn't have to face them alone. That is so true! He has never left my side. I honestly don't know how I would be able to make it through any of this without Him. I keep praying that He would somehow use what I am going through for Him. My hope is to encourage or inspire others (although today I haven't been very encouraging or inspiring). I just want to be used for His glory. I am praying that the Lord would heal me completely, and that he would show me that He still works miracles! My God is bigger than cancer, and bigger than any fear I have. Sorry this hasn't been very exciting or inspiring, I just wanted to share some thoughts from the past few weeks.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Worn, but Blessed
This week has been hard. The song, Worn by Tenth Avenue North really describes how I have felt for the past little bit. Here are the lyrics.
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
I can't believe how mean this chemo is. The side effects are so many, and so aggravating. Ok, enough complaining :) I am still trying to teach. I have this chemo every other Thursday, so I have been going back to work the following Tuesday. This past week was very hard. So many people have said to me this week, "Wow, you are really handling this chemo well if you're able to come to work." I know they mean well when they say things like this to me, but I don't feel like I am handling it well. I make myself get out of bed everyday and go to work. I have Alyssa to care for still. My most important job is still being mommy to my baby girl. She doesn't understand that mommy is sick. I have to go on with life as if there is nothing wrong with me as much as I possibly can. I feel like if I choose to stay home that I would be giving up. I know I wouldn't be, but that's how I would feel. I don't know how much longer I will really be able to continue working, but for now, it's what I will do. My kids at school have their state assessment coming up, and my job is to prepare them for that test. Yes, I know that test scores are not everything, but unfortunately, the world we live in only looks at scores. I feel like I have to be there for them and make sure they are as prepared as I can help them to be.
I am truly amazed at how generous and caring people are! I really had a terrible week, but every single day I received a gift from someone. I have received so many sweet cards in the mail. It really does brighten my day every time I get a card, note, or gift from someone. I just don't have words to describe how grateful I am for everything I have been given. I am so thankful for all the kind words from people. I don't know how I would make it through this without so many friends and family members.
Several people are very curious about my diet. So, I'll explain briefly. I hope to talk more about it at a later time. I have said before that I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed. So, about a month before I was officially diagnosed, I started thinking, "Could food cure cancer?" So to Google I went. I found so much information about whole-foods, plant-based, vegan diets preventing, and actually reversing some cancers. I was intrigued to say the least. So I read, and read, and read. One book I want to mention is The China Study. It talks about a doctor who conducted an enormous cancer in China. In his research on lab rats, he found that animal protein caused cancer growth! I stopped eating meat and dairy. Then, I was diagnosed and my doctor arranged for us to attend a CHIP class. We went to these classes and learned about how a whole-foods, plant-based diet can prevent and cure MANY of the diseases that are so common in our culture. I really recommend reading The China Study. If you can't read the book, then I urge you to please watch the movie, Forks Over Knives. It could change your life! I'm not asking that you commit to a vegan diet, but watch the movie with an open mind and think about the food choices you make. It could really be the difference in life or death. Seriously. I'm appalled at what is in our processed food. And eating animals or animal products (dairy) can cause cancer to grow! We have control over disease. Watch the movie. So, now to answer what everyone wants to know - what do I eat? I eat vegetables, fruits, beans, legumes, and whole grains. No meat, No dairy, No processed foods. No, I don't eat tofu. I think it's gross :) and I try to stay away from soy products and oils. Some research has shown that soy products and oils can promote cancer growth. We use rice milk and sometimes almond milk.
I want to say one last thing today. Several people have also commented about how mad I should be at my doctor for not catching the cancer early. I can honestly say that I have never felt angry toward my doctor. Honestly. Here's why. If the cancer had been caught early, I would not have Alyssa. I can't have anymore kids. Since this cancer is fed by estrogen and estrogen levels are so high during pregnancy, another one would cause the cancer to return. So, if the cancer had been caught early, when I first had the lump checked out, I would have went through chemo, had a double mastectomy, radiation, then a hysterectomy. This is the plan for me now. I wouldn't have been able to have any kids. Even though my cancer is very advanced now, I would never trade my daughter for catching the cancer early. Never. She is the greatest blessing I have received after my salvation and my husband. So, no, I'm not mad at my doctor and never will be. I was so young at the time. Logically, I wouldn't have had cancer at that age.
Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength" ALL things - even fight cancer and win. I plan to win with His help.
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
I can't believe how mean this chemo is. The side effects are so many, and so aggravating. Ok, enough complaining :) I am still trying to teach. I have this chemo every other Thursday, so I have been going back to work the following Tuesday. This past week was very hard. So many people have said to me this week, "Wow, you are really handling this chemo well if you're able to come to work." I know they mean well when they say things like this to me, but I don't feel like I am handling it well. I make myself get out of bed everyday and go to work. I have Alyssa to care for still. My most important job is still being mommy to my baby girl. She doesn't understand that mommy is sick. I have to go on with life as if there is nothing wrong with me as much as I possibly can. I feel like if I choose to stay home that I would be giving up. I know I wouldn't be, but that's how I would feel. I don't know how much longer I will really be able to continue working, but for now, it's what I will do. My kids at school have their state assessment coming up, and my job is to prepare them for that test. Yes, I know that test scores are not everything, but unfortunately, the world we live in only looks at scores. I feel like I have to be there for them and make sure they are as prepared as I can help them to be.
I am truly amazed at how generous and caring people are! I really had a terrible week, but every single day I received a gift from someone. I have received so many sweet cards in the mail. It really does brighten my day every time I get a card, note, or gift from someone. I just don't have words to describe how grateful I am for everything I have been given. I am so thankful for all the kind words from people. I don't know how I would make it through this without so many friends and family members.
Several people are very curious about my diet. So, I'll explain briefly. I hope to talk more about it at a later time. I have said before that I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed. So, about a month before I was officially diagnosed, I started thinking, "Could food cure cancer?" So to Google I went. I found so much information about whole-foods, plant-based, vegan diets preventing, and actually reversing some cancers. I was intrigued to say the least. So I read, and read, and read. One book I want to mention is The China Study. It talks about a doctor who conducted an enormous cancer in China. In his research on lab rats, he found that animal protein caused cancer growth! I stopped eating meat and dairy. Then, I was diagnosed and my doctor arranged for us to attend a CHIP class. We went to these classes and learned about how a whole-foods, plant-based diet can prevent and cure MANY of the diseases that are so common in our culture. I really recommend reading The China Study. If you can't read the book, then I urge you to please watch the movie, Forks Over Knives. It could change your life! I'm not asking that you commit to a vegan diet, but watch the movie with an open mind and think about the food choices you make. It could really be the difference in life or death. Seriously. I'm appalled at what is in our processed food. And eating animals or animal products (dairy) can cause cancer to grow! We have control over disease. Watch the movie. So, now to answer what everyone wants to know - what do I eat? I eat vegetables, fruits, beans, legumes, and whole grains. No meat, No dairy, No processed foods. No, I don't eat tofu. I think it's gross :) and I try to stay away from soy products and oils. Some research has shown that soy products and oils can promote cancer growth. We use rice milk and sometimes almond milk.
I want to say one last thing today. Several people have also commented about how mad I should be at my doctor for not catching the cancer early. I can honestly say that I have never felt angry toward my doctor. Honestly. Here's why. If the cancer had been caught early, I would not have Alyssa. I can't have anymore kids. Since this cancer is fed by estrogen and estrogen levels are so high during pregnancy, another one would cause the cancer to return. So, if the cancer had been caught early, when I first had the lump checked out, I would have went through chemo, had a double mastectomy, radiation, then a hysterectomy. This is the plan for me now. I wouldn't have been able to have any kids. Even though my cancer is very advanced now, I would never trade my daughter for catching the cancer early. Never. She is the greatest blessing I have received after my salvation and my husband. So, no, I'm not mad at my doctor and never will be. I was so young at the time. Logically, I wouldn't have had cancer at that age.
Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength" ALL things - even fight cancer and win. I plan to win with His help.
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