Girls: Know Your Girls!

This is not just for women - men need to read this too :)

Let me first say that I am not writing this with the intent of scaring anyone.  I just want to raise awareness.  The statistics say now that 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with breast cancer.  It isn't just happening in older women either.  I can't stress the importance of doing self breast exams enough!  Girls, please check your breasts often, and know what is normal for you.  If you've never done a self exam, google self breast exams. There is so much information on how to check your breasts.  Here is a good one:  http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/moreinformation/breastcancerearlydetection/breast-cancer-early-detection-acs-recs-bse
The main thing you'll want to do is to start by checking your breasts at different times during your monthly cycle to see what is normal for you during those times (your breasts may feel different right before or after your period).  Then, check your breasts often.  If you notice a change or lump, don't panic!  Most likely, it isn't cancer.  There are so many other things it could be.  Go see your doctor and have him/her check you.  Now, I know in my case, my doctor was wrong.  I honestly don't think that happens often at all.  You know your body, and you will know if something is wrong.  If you don't feel satisfied with what the doctor tells you, and you feel something is not right, go get a second opinion from another doctor.

I want to encourage you to get your yearly checkup done so your doctor can check your breasts for you.  If you are at the recommended age for mammograms, please have them done!  For me, having a mammogram was not painful at all.  I know it is so scary to have these tests and exams done, but it could save your life.

If breast cancer runs in your family, I want you to consider being tested to see if you carry the breast cancer gene.  I have talked to several girls that I have been concerned about, and they have all told me that they would rather not know.  I completely understand.  However, I want you to really think about it.  Knowing you have the breast cancer gene doesn't mean you have cancer.  It doesn't mean you are going to get cancer.  Your risk is just higher than others.  I urge you to think about being tested because you can meet with doctors and genetic counselors and you'll have options available to you that aren't there if you don't know you have the gene (ex:  mastectomy, etc.).  Looking back, I wish I had been tested for the gene earlier.  Knowing is so much better than wondering!

I know it seems like this is written just for women, but men also get breast cancer.  It is not as common, but it does happen.  So, men, don't be too manly to go to the doctor if there is a problem.  Also, encourage the woman in your life to see her doctor yearly, do self breast exams, and have a mammogram if she's at the recommended age.

I know cancer is very scary, and we would rather not think about it or talk about it.  I'll say again, knowing is so much better than wondering.  Early detection is a huge factor in survival rate.  Unfortunately for me, my cancer was not caught early.  But that isn't stopping me.  I'm a fighter and I am determined to beat this.  I don't want anyone to have to go through these awful rounds of chemo, then surgery, then radiation, then hormone therapy, etc.  If the cancer is caught early enough, it could just mean surgery to remove the cancer! Please don't let being scared or nervous stop you from going to the doctor or doing self breast exams.  If you find something that's not right, please have it checked out.  The worst that could happen is that it's cancer, and you'll be treated.  More than likely, though, it will be nothing and you'll have peace of mind.

To my friends, family, acquaintances, or even those who barely know me:  If you have any questions about anything dealing with breast cancer and need someone to ask or talk to, I would love for you to ask me.  I don't mind talking about breast cancer, treatments, or screenings.  I have been blessed with a passion for raising awareness for breast cancer, and would love to talk to any of you about anything :)

To end on a lighter note, I just have to say that I have found a very positive aspect of being bald.  It's warm enough now to wear shorts, capris, and dresses, and I am loving the fact that I don't have to shave my legs anymore :)

I hate you, cancer.

The past few months have been such an emotional roller coaster.  I feel like a basket case.  Normally, my emotions run pretty constant.  I'm not used to such strong emotions.  For some reason, lately, I have become so passionate when it comes to being sad, or happy, or mad.  I feel as if I have lost my mind.  

  I refrain from writing too often, because I don't have much positive to say, really.  I wanted to believe that I could stay completely positive throughout all of my treatments so I could look back later and see how strong I was.  Well, truthfully, most days are bad days.  Everyone said when I started chemo that I would have good days and bad days.  I didn't realize just how many bad days there would be, and how bad those bad days could get.  I don't want to sound negative or depressing;  I'm just being completely honest.  I don't want to write about the bad days or the side effects because I don't want anyone to think that I am weak.  This is pride.  I don't want to be proud; I just want to share what I am going through.  

I know people really mean well and are really trying to encourage me, and maybe I just take things to heart when I shouldn't, but sometimes it is hard to not say what is really on my mind when certain things are said to me.  Simple things like, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better", or "You're taking these treatments so well".  I just want to say that even though I am out and about; I am not really feeling better.  I feel terrible!  I also keep hearing, "At least they caught your cancer early."  Well, it wasn't caught early.   I know I am overreacting, and I shouldn't even say out loud that those things bother me, but that's just how it is.  I know I will be embarrassed later when I read back over this and realize what I said. 

I just finished with my 3rd of 4 treatments of the really bad chemo.  Then, I will have 12 treatments of another type of chemo.  The next type isn't supposed to be near as severe as these two have been.  I think I can actually feel my brain cells dying with this chemo.  This stuff is terrible!  I love that it seems to be working, and I can feel a difference in the tumors, however, this experience has been so trying.  The side effects come and go like clockwork.  I know what to expect each few days.  The side effects happen around the same days, they just happen to get progressively worse with each treatment. The side effects from this 3rd treatment have really taken a toll on me.  It is hard not to face each day with dread, knowing what is coming. I am really hoping and praying that the side effects are easier to handle with this next round of chemo.  I completely understand now why some people choose not to do chemotherapy.  Especially those who have been through it before.   

One of the hardest things about all of this is I feel like I am missing weeks at a time with my baby girl.  Yesterday, I was playing with her hair, and I found myself wondering, "When did your hair start getting so long?"  She has started saying so many words and playing like a big girl, and I just sit and wonder when it all happened.  It is breaking my heart to have to lay in bed for days, or lay on the couch and just watch.  For about a week after treatments, I seem to just exist.  I don't really feel like I am a part of this world during that time.  So, when I finally feel "awake" again, I just want to spend my time with her and my husband.  I just get so tired so quickly.  I want to enjoy my baby girl, and watch her grow and discover new things.  Cancer is robbing me of some of those opportunities and experiences.  I don't remember her first birthday party because I had my first treatment two days before her party.  I do remember feeling like a zombie at her party.  The party was for her, not for me, but I just wish that I could have enjoyed it more. I am so thankful that she is young and won't remember mommy being so sick.  The thing that breaks my heart the most, and is always on my mind, is that I don't know how much time I have left with her.  I know that no one knows how much time they have on the earth, but I know that my time is probably short.  My heart absolutely aches to think that I may not get to watch my precious girl grow up.  That is my very real reality.  Pray with me that the Lord would bless me with the opportunity to raise my daughter and watch her grow up.  

The Lord told us that we would go through troubles in the world.  He said we wouldn't have to face them alone.  That is so true!  He has never left my side.  I honestly don't know how I would be able to make it through any of this without Him.  I keep praying that He would somehow use what I am going through for Him.  My hope is to encourage or inspire others (although today I haven't been very encouraging or inspiring).  I just want to be used for His glory.  I am praying that the Lord would heal me completely, and that he would show me that He still works miracles!  My God is bigger than cancer, and bigger than any fear I have.  Sorry this hasn't been very exciting or inspiring, I just wanted to share some thoughts from the past few weeks.  

Worn, but Blessed

This week has been hard.  The song, Worn by Tenth Avenue North really describes how I have felt for the past little bit.  Here are the lyrics.

I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

I can't believe how mean this chemo is.  The side effects are so many, and so aggravating.  Ok, enough complaining :) I am still trying to teach.  I have this chemo every other Thursday, so I have been going back to work the following Tuesday.  This past week was very hard. So many people have said to me this week, "Wow, you are really handling this chemo well if you're able to come to work."  I know they mean well when they say things like this to me, but I don't feel like I am handling it well.  I make myself get out of bed everyday and go to work.  I have Alyssa to care for still.  My most important job is still being mommy to my baby girl. She doesn't understand that mommy is sick.  I have to go on with life as if there is nothing wrong with me as much as I possibly can.  I feel like if I choose to stay home that I would be giving up.  I know I wouldn't be, but that's how I would feel.  I don't know how much longer I will really be able to continue working, but for now, it's what I will do.  My kids at school have their state assessment coming up, and my job is to prepare them for that test.  Yes, I know that test scores are not everything, but unfortunately, the world we live in only looks at scores.  I feel like I have to be there for them and make sure they are as prepared as I can help them to be.  

I am truly amazed at how generous and caring people are!  I really had a terrible week, but every single day I received a gift from someone.  I have received so many sweet cards in the mail.  It really does brighten my day every time I get a card, note, or gift from someone.  I just don't have words to describe how grateful I am for everything I have been given.  I am so thankful for all the kind words from people.  I don't know how I would make it through this without so many friends and family members.  

Several people are very curious about my diet.  So, I'll explain briefly.  I hope to talk more about it at a later time. I have said before that I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed.  So, about a month before I was officially diagnosed, I started thinking, "Could food cure cancer?"  So to Google I went.  I found so much information about whole-foods, plant-based, vegan diets preventing, and actually reversing some cancers.  I was intrigued to say the least.  So I read, and read, and read.  One book I want to mention is The China Study. It talks about a doctor who conducted an enormous cancer in China.  In his research on lab rats, he found that animal protein caused cancer growth!   I stopped eating meat and dairy.  Then, I was diagnosed and my doctor arranged for us to attend a CHIP class.  We went to these classes and learned about how a whole-foods, plant-based diet can prevent and cure MANY of the diseases that are so common in our culture.  I really recommend reading The China Study.  If you can't read the book, then I urge you to please watch the movie, Forks Over Knives.  It could change your life!  I'm not asking that you commit to a vegan diet, but watch the movie with an open mind and think about the food choices you make.  It could really be the difference in life or death.  Seriously.  I'm appalled at what is in our processed food.  And eating animals or animal products (dairy) can cause cancer to grow!  We have control over disease.  Watch the movie. So, now to answer what everyone wants to know - what do I eat?  I eat vegetables, fruits, beans, legumes, and whole grains.  No meat, No dairy, No processed foods.  No, I don't eat tofu. I think it's gross :) and I try to stay away from soy products and oils.  Some research has shown that soy products and oils can promote cancer growth.  We use rice milk and sometimes almond milk.  

I want to say one last thing today.  Several people have also commented about how mad I should be at my doctor for not catching the cancer early.  I can honestly say that I have never felt angry toward my doctor.  Honestly.  Here's why.  If the cancer had been caught early, I would not have Alyssa.  I can't have anymore kids. Since this cancer is fed by estrogen and estrogen levels are so high during pregnancy, another one would cause the cancer to return.  So, if the cancer had been caught early, when I first had the lump checked out, I would have went through chemo, had a double mastectomy, radiation, then a hysterectomy.  This is the plan for me now.  I wouldn't have been able to have any kids.  Even though my cancer is very advanced now, I would never trade my daughter for catching the cancer early.  Never.  She is the greatest blessing I have received after my salvation and my husband.  So, no, I'm not mad at my doctor and never will be.  I was so young at the time.  Logically, I wouldn't have had cancer at that age.  

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"  ALL things - even fight cancer and win.  I plan to win with His help.  

My story

I feel like I need to start today by just telling a little about my background.  I have no idea where to begin.  I don't want to write my whole my life story.  That would be quite boring.  So, I want to begin with the most important moment of my life.  As an eight year old little girl, I trusted Jesus as my Savior.  Today, I am so thankful that I made this decision at such a young age.  Being so young, I had not had time to do terrible things that we normally associate with sin and being a sinner.  However, we are all born as sinners.  Thankfully, my parents took me to church as a child, where I was able to learn the truth about God and Jesus and Satan.  I don't really remember much about what was said in the sermons before I was saved.  I vaguely remember sitting and listening.  I do remember that beautiful, sunny, spring Sunday morning while the pastor preached about Jesus being sent by God His Father to the earth to die for our sins so that we could live forever with Him in heaven.  He talked about how we needed to repent of our sins and ask Jesus to come into our heart and save us from our sins.  I felt a burning in my heart that felt like it was on fire!  I knew without a doubt in mind that I was a sinner and that I needed Jesus as my Savior.  It wasn't a fear of hell, it wasn't to make my parents happy, it wasn't for any sort of attention.  The Lord had spoken to my heart; chosen me to be His child.  I told my dad (who was sitting next to me) that I needed to go talk to the preacher to be saved.  I went down to the front of the church, and prayed with the preacher and his wife.  I told Jesus that I was a sinner, apologized for that fact, I asked Jesus to come into my heart and save me,  and I thanked Him for dying on the cross for me so that I could live.  I left the church that day feeling as light as air.  I felt that I didn't have a care in the world.  It felt like I floated to the car.  I knew that I had made the biggest, and most important decision that I would ever make.  

It has been many years since that day, and life has happened.  As I look back, I can say that Jesus has never left my side.  He has never forsaken or abandoned me.  Now, please know that life has not been easy, and yes, I wandered away from Him many times.  Human nature is to wander away from God.  We think we can do this all by ourselves.  Especially, I think, for my personality.  I am strong-willed and like to do things by myself without help from others.  I need Jesus.  It isn't because I am weak.  I am not a weak person.  I have more strength that is not mine (it comes from Jesus) than any person could possibly have on their own.  

So, now to the cancer journey.  As a young child, my grandmother had cancer and passed away.  Then, her daughter (my aunt) had cancer.  She fought it, and then some years later it came back.  She died in her early 30's from cancer.  Another aunt gets cancer - she is still here with us and doing well.  My other grandmother gets cancer and passes away.  I rightfully have a fear of cancer in my early 20's.  My breasts have always had some lumps in them, so I remember thinking to myself and talking to my doctors about how in the world I was going to know the difference between normal lumps and cancer.  The doctors (3 different doctors) told me that I had many years before I needed to be concerned about cancer.  A few years go by and I find a different lump in my breast.  It is about the size of a pea.  I panicked.  I watched it for several months.  I started researching breast cancer like crazy.  This lump did not really fit cancer.  So, I ignored it for more months.  Finally, I made an appointment with my doctor because I just couldn't get over being scared of this tiny (compared to what it is now) lump in my breast.  The doctor tells me that it is nothing to be concerned about.  The doctor said that it was fibrocystic changes, which are normal changes that occur in a woman's breast.  These changes come and go, and are benign.  I was so relieved when I left the office!  I didn't give the lump another thought for a long while.  I got pregnant almost 2 years ago.  During the pregnancy, I couldn't feel the lump anymore due to the enlargement that occurs to women't breasts during pregnancy.  I chose to breastfeed my baby.  After a few months of nursing, I could feel the lump again.  Now, it felt quite a bit bigger. I thought maybe it felt bigger just because of the changes that had happened in my breast during pregnancy and nursing.  A few more months went by, and this lump felt huge compared to what it had once been.  I thought maybe I could just feel it better because my breasts were less dense because of nursing.  I went to the doctor for a regular checkup and he didn't say anything about the lump - just that I had some fibrocystic changes again.  So, I thought everything was ok. When my baby turned nine months old, she abruptly stopped nursing.  I was so upset because I had planned on nursing her for at least a year.  Looking back now, I am so thankful that she stopped when she did.  My milk began drying up, and as it did, I noticed my breasts looked and felt very different.  The lump in my right breast was enormous.  Also, I felt 2 other lumps - one on the side that was hard to find, and one on the bottom.  I thought maybe they were more fibrocystic changes.  Then, the skin on my breast started dimpling - this is a sign of a rare, but extremely dangerous type of cancer - inflammatory breast cancer.  I was terrified.  Here I go researching again.  This time, I started reading some breast cancer blogs and two of them stood out to me.  Both women were 29 years old.  I am 29 years old.  Both of them found their lumps after having babies.  I made an appointment with my doctor again. The doctor didn't think there was anything wrong.  I am told that the dimpling is due to fluid - the skin isn't red and hot like it would be with inflammatory breast cancer.  I insisted that something was wrong!  The doctor says to me that he will send me to have a breast ultrasound done to check for a blocked milk duct to see why I was having pain.  I forgot to mention that earlier.  I had started to have sharp, stabbing pain, then sometimes a dull ache in my breast.  Since I wasn't being sent to have an ultrasound due to breast lumps, I had to wait for two weeks to be seen.  Those two weeks felt like they went on forever.  Finally, I got the ultrasound done.  It had snowed that day and they didn't think I would show up for my appointment early that morning.  As I was laying there having the ultrasound done, I began to get concerned.  I thought I was going to have the part of my breast looked at under the skin that was dimpled.  However, the lady was only taking images of the lump - the enormous one.  Image after image.  I knew something was wrong, so I asked her, and of course she couldn't tell me anything.  Finally, she moves on to the other two lumps.  She said I needed to wait for a bit because she wanted the radiologist to look over the images and come in to talk to me. She told me this was routine.  He came in and said that I had several places in my breast that were very worrysome.  He said it could be cancer, and if it was, could be very aggressive.  I left the office, and had a hard time walking back to the car.  Since it had snowed that day, his appointments had mostly been cancelled for the day, and he wanted to biopsy the lumps that afternoon.  I called my mom, and sent texts to my close friends.  I would have to see my doctor that following week to get the test results.  

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more.  I prayed that the Lord would not allow this happen to me. I begged the Lord not to let me have cancer.  I was 29 years old. I just had a baby that was getting ready to turn 1.  I just knew, though.  I knew I had cancer.  You may read this and think what I am about to say is very silly.  I don't care.  I know what happened.  For years, I have been so mad at Satan and his army of demons.  Yes, I believe he and they are real.  I have always heard that Satan and his demons tell lies and half truths.  Many times ideas have popped into my head, out of nowhere.  Things like, "You aren't saved.", "There is no heaven.", "You've done way too many bad things since you thought you were saved that it must not have been for real.", "You aren't good enough to go to heaven," and the scariest one - "You have cancer."  Now, these words would just come to my mind.  I struggled for years with how to know the difference between words from the Lord and lies from Satan.  Through many bible studies, I learned that the Lord doesn't lie to us, and words from him are not scary or meant to make us doubt.  I got really mad at Satan, because for a few months, he or his demons planted words in my head that said "You have cancer, you are not saved, there is no heaven, and Jesus is not real."  I thought these were all lies.  I went to the doctor for my diagnosis.  The doctor came in to the room, sat down and took my hands, and told me that we were dealing with cancer.  Then, prayed with me.  I then realized that Satan hadn't lied to me completely.  He had been telling me half truths.  Here was his hope - that I would be diagnosed with cancer and then I would believe the rest of his lies.  Sorry, my God is bigger than that.  My diagnosis was not good.  The cancer is very aggressive.  The tumors are all large in size.  The one that has been there for years is very, very large.  I am not dealing with a "normal" breast cancer.  I was tested for the breast cancer gene.  I learned that I do have the BRCA1 gene.  The cancer has been growing for many years.  When I got pregnant, the cancer was fed by high levels of estrogen.  Then, when I breastfed, it was fed again by high levels of estrogen.  The pregnancy and breastfeeding caused the cancer to grow rapidly.  I know my future on this earth is uncertain.  But, my ultimate future is not uncertain.  I know that Jesus is my Savior, I know that He changed my life when I gave my life to Him as a young child.  I know that when I die, I will spend forever in heaven, with Jesus.  He wins.  I have feared cancer for so many years.  It has been my biggest fear.  I can't describe how it feels to have your biggest fear come true.  But, I have had such a peace and a calm in my heart.  I know what it means to have peace beyond understanding.  I know what it means for the Lord to be my shield and my fortress.  I know what it means for the Lord to be my strength.  I know these things because I trust Him with all that I am. I am 29 and I have breast cancer.  But, praise God, I am His child first.  

Welcome to my 1st Blog :)

Welcome to my blog!  My hopes in blogging about this journey that I am taking is to just share me.  Since being diagnosed with breast cancer in January of this year, I have felt like I have been running around making arrangements for tests, biopsies, surgeries, meeting with doctors, treatments, etc.  I haven't had much time to myself to just let it all sink in.  The past month has been a blur.  So, having said that, I feel the need to apologize beforehand for possibly coming across the wrong way, or mistakes that I inevitably will make (especially grammatical errors).  These things are the furthest from my mind right now.  I am normally a very private person, and I don't talk much to other people.  Talking about what is happening with me and sharing what I am feeling is quite a daunting task  for me.  My husband and several friends have recommended that I start a blog about this journey with cancer.  I want this to be a place where I can just be real with what is happening with me and not worry about judgement.  Even if no one else reads this, it will be good for me to look back on later and realize how far I have come.  There is so much that I want to write, but my thoughts are all jumbled together.  I also apologize for future randomness and lack of coherent thoughts.