It has been many years since that day, and life has happened. As I look back, I can say that Jesus has never left my side. He has never forsaken or abandoned me. Now, please know that life has not been easy, and yes, I wandered away from Him many times. Human nature is to wander away from God. We think we can do this all by ourselves. Especially, I think, for my personality. I am strong-willed and like to do things by myself without help from others. I need Jesus. It isn't because I am weak. I am not a weak person. I have more strength that is not mine (it comes from Jesus) than any person could possibly have on their own.
So, now to the cancer journey. As a young child, my grandmother had cancer and passed away. Then, her daughter (my aunt) had cancer. She fought it, and then some years later it came back. She died in her early 30's from cancer. Another aunt gets cancer - she is still here with us and doing well. My other grandmother gets cancer and passes away. I rightfully have a fear of cancer in my early 20's. My breasts have always had some lumps in them, so I remember thinking to myself and talking to my doctors about how in the world I was going to know the difference between normal lumps and cancer. The doctors (3 different doctors) told me that I had many years before I needed to be concerned about cancer. A few years go by and I find a different lump in my breast. It is about the size of a pea. I panicked. I watched it for several months. I started researching breast cancer like crazy. This lump did not really fit cancer. So, I ignored it for more months. Finally, I made an appointment with my doctor because I just couldn't get over being scared of this tiny (compared to what it is now) lump in my breast. The doctor tells me that it is nothing to be concerned about. The doctor said that it was fibrocystic changes, which are normal changes that occur in a woman's breast. These changes come and go, and are benign. I was so relieved when I left the office! I didn't give the lump another thought for a long while. I got pregnant almost 2 years ago. During the pregnancy, I couldn't feel the lump anymore due to the enlargement that occurs to women't breasts during pregnancy. I chose to breastfeed my baby. After a few months of nursing, I could feel the lump again. Now, it felt quite a bit bigger. I thought maybe it felt bigger just because of the changes that had happened in my breast during pregnancy and nursing. A few more months went by, and this lump felt huge compared to what it had once been. I thought maybe I could just feel it better because my breasts were less dense because of nursing. I went to the doctor for a regular checkup and he didn't say anything about the lump - just that I had some fibrocystic changes again. So, I thought everything was ok. When my baby turned nine months old, she abruptly stopped nursing. I was so upset because I had planned on nursing her for at least a year. Looking back now, I am so thankful that she stopped when she did. My milk began drying up, and as it did, I noticed my breasts looked and felt very different. The lump in my right breast was enormous. Also, I felt 2 other lumps - one on the side that was hard to find, and one on the bottom. I thought maybe they were more fibrocystic changes. Then, the skin on my breast started dimpling - this is a sign of a rare, but extremely dangerous type of cancer - inflammatory breast cancer. I was terrified. Here I go researching again. This time, I started reading some breast cancer blogs and two of them stood out to me. Both women were 29 years old. I am 29 years old. Both of them found their lumps after having babies. I made an appointment with my doctor again. The doctor didn't think there was anything wrong. I am told that the dimpling is due to fluid - the skin isn't red and hot like it would be with inflammatory breast cancer. I insisted that something was wrong! The doctor says to me that he will send me to have a breast ultrasound done to check for a blocked milk duct to see why I was having pain. I forgot to mention that earlier. I had started to have sharp, stabbing pain, then sometimes a dull ache in my breast. Since I wasn't being sent to have an ultrasound due to breast lumps, I had to wait for two weeks to be seen. Those two weeks felt like they went on forever. Finally, I got the ultrasound done. It had snowed that day and they didn't think I would show up for my appointment early that morning. As I was laying there having the ultrasound done, I began to get concerned. I thought I was going to have the part of my breast looked at under the skin that was dimpled. However, the lady was only taking images of the lump - the enormous one. Image after image. I knew something was wrong, so I asked her, and of course she couldn't tell me anything. Finally, she moves on to the other two lumps. She said I needed to wait for a bit because she wanted the radiologist to look over the images and come in to talk to me. She told me this was routine. He came in and said that I had several places in my breast that were very worrysome. He said it could be cancer, and if it was, could be very aggressive. I left the office, and had a hard time walking back to the car. Since it had snowed that day, his appointments had mostly been cancelled for the day, and he wanted to biopsy the lumps that afternoon. I called my mom, and sent texts to my close friends. I would have to see my doctor that following week to get the test results.
I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more. I prayed that the Lord would not allow this happen to me. I begged the Lord not to let me have cancer. I was 29 years old. I just had a baby that was getting ready to turn 1. I just knew, though. I knew I had cancer. You may read this and think what I am about to say is very silly. I don't care. I know what happened. For years, I have been so mad at Satan and his army of demons. Yes, I believe he and they are real. I have always heard that Satan and his demons tell lies and half truths. Many times ideas have popped into my head, out of nowhere. Things like, "You aren't saved.", "There is no heaven.", "You've done way too many bad things since you thought you were saved that it must not have been for real.", "You aren't good enough to go to heaven," and the scariest one - "You have cancer." Now, these words would just come to my mind. I struggled for years with how to know the difference between words from the Lord and lies from Satan. Through many bible studies, I learned that the Lord doesn't lie to us, and words from him are not scary or meant to make us doubt. I got really mad at Satan, because for a few months, he or his demons planted words in my head that said "You have cancer, you are not saved, there is no heaven, and Jesus is not real." I thought these were all lies. I went to the doctor for my diagnosis. The doctor came in to the room, sat down and took my hands, and told me that we were dealing with cancer. Then, prayed with me. I then realized that Satan hadn't lied to me completely. He had been telling me half truths. Here was his hope - that I would be diagnosed with cancer and then I would believe the rest of his lies. Sorry, my God is bigger than that. My diagnosis was not good. The cancer is very aggressive. The tumors are all large in size. The one that has been there for years is very, very large. I am not dealing with a "normal" breast cancer. I was tested for the breast cancer gene. I learned that I do have the BRCA1 gene. The cancer has been growing for many years. When I got pregnant, the cancer was fed by high levels of estrogen. Then, when I breastfed, it was fed again by high levels of estrogen. The pregnancy and breastfeeding caused the cancer to grow rapidly. I know my future on this earth is uncertain. But, my ultimate future is not uncertain. I know that Jesus is my Savior, I know that He changed my life when I gave my life to Him as a young child. I know that when I die, I will spend forever in heaven, with Jesus. He wins. I have feared cancer for so many years. It has been my biggest fear. I can't describe how it feels to have your biggest fear come true. But, I have had such a peace and a calm in my heart. I know what it means to have peace beyond understanding. I know what it means for the Lord to be my shield and my fortress. I know what it means for the Lord to be my strength. I know these things because I trust Him with all that I am. I am 29 and I have breast cancer. But, praise God, I am His child first.
